The Fire…Inside an Attack of the Mind

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 I wrote this in literally one of my worst moments mentally; what I later realized was an anxiety attack. It was pure chaos, hence fire…I subconsciously picked up my journal and pencil and started writing, and well here it is…

These thought I have

Inside my mind:

Once a ruled and letter free harmless sheet

But soon:

Scraps of crumpled papers

Hastily, pen to paper

Scribbles are now engraved

Of all that is not right: faults and possibilities of the past

Then aggressively crumpled…. tossed

Into a small ever present ash glow

A flame bursts forth…Fuel to the fire

Then without hesitation…almost calculated, expected

Another ruled letter free harmless sheet follows suit

Becoming like the other:

Owning notes of could and should have beens

Again…fuel to fire

Followed by another, the next and the other

Then …Poof! An explosion

It’s only natural as one supplies…. fuel to fire

Then the real panic,  anxiety

After all, it’s hot, uncomfortable

So getting rid of the entire garbage can of burning paper seems like a logical way out

Removing the need to be constantly extinguishing

As there would be no can…lifeless

No paper or put pen to

No thoughts to flow through as ink.

Instead,

Each time I’ve chosen less drastic measures

Small natural streams…tears

To control an oversized fuelled fire

Soon it diminishes to ash…glowing, till next time

When again, thoughts, through pen to paper…fire

So I guess the question is:

Eliminate the ash or discard the can with its contents altogether?

Something’s gotta to give.

Then suddenly another thought…a question

Why not draw beautiful rainbows butterflies and sparkles

To leave uncrumpled?

That, I do not know…

As once the flame starts, heat melts all the beauty once floating

And heartlessly gravity embraces them all

But maybe one day, the rainbows, sparkles, butterflies and unicorns will become resistant to heat,

And prevent blazes!

Until then, I’ll just deal with each fire as it comes

I’ll continue to cry out

Sometimes all I need is to hear a listener

And someone showing that they care

It gets me to safety

Eventually

And the fire is reduced to ash

Until next time.

C2B.

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14 Comments Add yours

  1. charisma says:

    This is such a beautiful poems. Just how u put it “But maybe one day, the rainbows, sparkles, butterflies and unicorns will become resistant to heat,” is so pleasing. 🙂 🙂 And the feature image just goes exactly hand in glove with this poem: A burst of colours from otherwise useless crumpled grey sheets of papers. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. charisma says:

        Pleasure was mine. 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Nia says:

    I really like the flow and structure of this. It helps readers understand what an anxiety attack is like

    Liked by 1 person

  3. findingjoye says:

    I loved this..so relatable! The line that stuck out to me was “It’s only natural as one supplies…. fuel to fire”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am happy that you could relate…I hope you too have recognized it as something to deal with and have taken steps to do so. Thanks for reading!

      Like

  4. Tammy Dunlap says:

    I hope most days and moments are peaceful and joyful. I do know what anxiety attacks feel like. It is not fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Most days are great Tammy! I’m determined not to ever get back to that point and that has been one of the reasons I started blogging.

      Like

  5. Edith says:

    Lovely poem, Hilary! I’m captivated by the graphic: the explosion of colours created by the melted rainbows, butterflies and sparkles, I believe. It tells me that God can build something beautiful out of our pain and chaos. Like this poem from your anxiety attack and the beautiful accompanying graphic. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much reading! He certainly can and always will bring beauty from our pain !

      Like

  6. Latoya says:

    This is great. Beautiful and moving.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. bschreurs23 says:

    Wow! Thank you for being so honest and open.

    Liked by 1 person

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