Hope from Vulnerability…Finding the will to live

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Hope from Vulnerability…Finding the will to live

During my pre-teen and teen years, I wrote a lot. I had no idea what else to do with the thoughts, conversations and silly puns in my mind. There was no one to share mind boggling thoughts with; no one who would be genuinely interested or amused. Sadly, most of those notebooks have gone up in flames. I destroyed them in fears of all repercussions possible if someone knew all my deep and true thoughts.

I’d write about myself in the third person and rename characters, giving the illusion of fiction for any curious eyes. The chaotic stories in my head with slightly exaggerated half-truths (to keep the imaginary readers intrigued and attentive), would easily be converted to well-ordered expressions through my pencil onto paper, then I’d be relieved for a while with an almost empty mind. Occasionally, I’d cross paths with individuals with great personalities, and without knowing, they’d soon become the listeners in my daydreams. I would always imagine and prayed that it would all happen in real life.

More than a decade later, it is still surreal that it has actually happened! I’ve finally found family, (or maybe they found me) with whom I am comfortable sharing all my thoughts: unedited and without fictional add-ons.

Whenever I get around to sharing my most vulnerable thoughts, it’s like chipping chunks off this backbreaking weight I have been carrying around on my shoulder. It has become easier to walk daily: back straighter, chin elevated. Some days, the remaining weight gets me really exhausted, and just being reminded that it is there really hits hard. I occasionally get tired of fighting to keep the weight above me, and allow it to crush me below; like an insect below the weight of a large boulder, with darkness all around and no will to live beyond that minute.

Fortunately, I am sometimes able to crawl out towards the light, gleaming through a crack created by earlier victories and chipping. Other times, I have had to cry for help: to be reminded of God’s purpose for me. I am still scared of admitting to my struggle with these thoughts. I have even grown accustomed to hiding all associations with it. I clearly remember ridiculously laughing during a conversation about someone who had taken their own life. It had simply become so natural to pretend, that wanting to say ‘I want to do that too’ translated to unassuming laughs for help.

Now, that others know this ‘secret’ of mine, it is easier to be hopeful. Being reminded that people are in my corner: just listeners and readers are all sometimes all that’s needed to find a spark in the dark, under the weight.

The more I share my raw thoughts and emotions, the lighter the weight becomes.

Each time I hear of another victim, I begin to think that maybe they just didn’t get to be their raw true selves with enough genuine listeners; maybe they just didn’t expect a light to show up so far beneath the weight that they didn’t even bother to look for sparks.

Maybe they just didn’t hear the story of someone who was in the exact same position but found their way to a spark and crawled out.

Maybe their joy and purpose, much like the next level of a game, required just one more fight with a bit more effort, to reveal the awesome life that awaits.

Maybe they have never experienced the joys that results from helping others to be better versions of themselves by just using their own broken parts. So if you are anything like me, be open to being vulnerable and start chipping that weight.

If you happen to fall beneath it, always look for a spark, or simply cry out for help. Then once you are out, start walking again: chin up and back straight. It will all be worth it in the end.

C2B Oct. 2017

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20 Comments Add yours

  1. Tammy Dunlap says:

    You are growing in strength and wisdom to be able to share! I also write for therapy! It is a wonderful gift and outlet from God, in how He made us!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. susanhomeschooling says:

    How wonderful that you can be accepted for who you are, and have full expression of your thoughts! That is something rare, and you have found it!

    Like

  3. 1blogify2 says:

    Writing does set us free in so many ways. It requires so much self-awareness!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wendy says:

    When we bring things into the light, it gives less power to destroy us!! God will always use our story to help others!! Great post!! Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Stacey Lynn says:

    Writing has always been an outlet for me as well. It never fails to help make sense of things so much more than just thinking about it. I tend to have trouble sharing the really intimate details though, but still I feel led to. Maybe someday? Thank you for sharing your heart…it’s very likely that it may be that crack of light for someone else! Blessings!

    Like

  6. Mrs. H. says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey. I KNOW there are people that need to know they are not alone in this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwweee thank you sooo much!!!!!❤❤❤❤

      Like

  7. God has been teaching me so much about my own broken parts. I’m sorry it took you so long for yours to be comforted! Praising God that He comes to bind up broken hearts!
    (I adore butterflies, love your name and beautiful logo!)

    Like

  8. I could so relate to this. It took years of wailing for the lack of genuine friendships, and loneliness to be assured that there is One person who is always listening and taking action to every raw moments of my life… indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes! 😙❤ happy you could relate…which really shows that we go through a lot of similar things even tho we feel so odd at times and alone.

      Like

  9. 1blogify2 says:

    This is so interestingly written with some really good imagery. I think you are right. Many people go their whole lives without being heard and that leaves whole wells of pain undrained.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. John Snow says:

    You have a very good start-up!

    Like

  11. nutmegmusings says:

    This is amazing!! You’re an amazing author! Thank you for being brave enough to show others that they aren’t alone. It’s very needed in this day and age.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is amazing. You are not alone in this, I am in your corner 💯 let’s chin up and walk straight. We got this🌹

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Carri says:

    Beautiful! “…helping others to be better versions of themselves by just using their own broken parts.” “Always look for a spark.” Such wonderful advice. THANK YOU for being vulnerable and brave enough to share your raw and honest feelings on this subject. We need more dialogue like this in the world today.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! It certainly needs to be spoken about a lot more.

      Like

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